Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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