How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
