We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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