I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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