I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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