yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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