You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
