I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
