At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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