Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
