I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
