I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
His hands were made for my vagina.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
