maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
