I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
