At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Randomize
