I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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