I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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