I like my sex mixed with concussions.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
