I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
