I hate your face
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
