My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
