If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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