Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
