you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
