I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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