after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
