Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
