That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Someone came in the potted fern
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
