I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
