Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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