I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
