Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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