You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I wish you could order shots online.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
