Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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