I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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