Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
