it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
