Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
my sisters under your porch take her home
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
