I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
