i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
