Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
