i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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