for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
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I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
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I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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