birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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