I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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