All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
foreskin is a definite game changer
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
