girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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