I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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