it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
