this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
We left the knife in your bed.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
NoShamevember. You game?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
True college students do jello shots in the library
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
