I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
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He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
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I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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