Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
