dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
