Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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